Sunday, March 6, 2016

The Channel

TITLE: The Channel
SCORE: 0 out of 4 stars

Uuuggh this movie is terrible. Terrible acting, terrible characters, terrible dialogue; most of it is terrible. Shot from what appears to be a handycam with a few artsy filters this movie fails at the most basic level. It just isn't put together properly -- scenes meander one after the next with little to no connection, filled with shitty characters portrayed by shitty non-actors with frequent monologues about god and fate and demons and stuff written with the depth and maturity of a junior high student. I find it hard to believe that actual adults created this. Writer/director Tom Lewis has big list of credits as a "production attorney," which he should clearly stick to doing, and never ever be allowed to make another movie.

So... we have Cassie, who was with some drunken party people, driving around, when they hit some other girl, named Katie, and Cassie survived but only after being legally dead for a few minutes. Then she's at school, then she's outside with the her friends, then she's at home... it goes on like this forever. There's absolutely no sense of sequential time. Who knows when this stuff is taking place!

There's some "dramatic" tension between Cassie and some popular boy who kinda likes her, but she is a "freak" and he is pressured by his peers to totally diss her. Cassie is obviously supposed to be a goth, with really overdone make-up, but she also has a really deep tan. The actress is, well, highly unpleasant to look at. I've seen photos of the actress, Kristen StephensonPino, and she's not actually an ugly person, just in this movie, I guess.

I guess they go to a catholic high school, because one of their classes is taught by a priest who talks about demons. I don't know if that even happens at Catholic school... Then Cassie thinks her house is haunted, so the booze crew do a seance. Maybe something shows up? Its vague. The big baddie is some sort of ghost or demon shadow-person type thing, the particulars are explained by a tweaker who comes out of nowhere to tell Cassie he sees it too and that the demon tortures him and the only release is through cutting and self-harm. Great stuff.

Everything is so grating on the nerves; the acting, the writing, the lighting (ughhh!), that this has no chance of being suspenseful or scary, its just a bunch of dumb scenes strung together. Every fucking line read is just shockingly bad. When its not that its high pitched whining noises and Cassie's shrill screaming. Cause, ya know, she's being mentally tortured by the demon. But really, its the audience that is being tortured.

Oh, and then there's all these scenes of her with shitty psychiatrist who tries to convince her its all in her head. So, there's also some real half-assed attempt at a psychological thriller angle mixed in. And Katie's mom also gets involved to harass Cassie, and I think she beats her up at one point, but that might have been the demon again.

 So, its like -- the priest stuff, the popular kid, the party krew, Katie's mom, the demon screeches, the psychiatrist; these all come and go in a revolving, unconnected set of scenes that add up to one big pile of shit. I mean, yes, it does eventually lead towards something, but the path there is like a Hanna-Barbara animated chase sequence.

And it's no short & sweet 90 minutes either. Oh no, this thing is an hour and half long!

My recommendation: burn all copies you encounter of this.

No comments:

Post a Comment