Bled

Title: Bled

Release Date: 2009
Score: 1 out of 4

After a series of spots as an extra in such terror-filled television shows such as Alley McBeal and Malcom in the Middle, Christopher Hutson decided to become a filmmaker. After Dark Reality, which I haven't seen but appears to be nothing more than insipid torture porn, he turned his attention towards bloodlust and vampirism.

Although he as able to secure apparent elder god/rivethead Sxv'leithan Essex to write the script, the dialog is stilted and forced. That wouldn't mean anything, of course, if the movie had a good plot and plenty of scares. Unfortunately it slowly meanders and the fear level never rises above "slightly creepy." The production itself is lush and the score is well done, however this only makes me wonder why they could put together good sets and nice film effects but only seemed able to take a runny shit on a piece of paper and call it a screenplay.

The film centers around four artists living in a Los Angeles apartment, and focuses on rising art princess "Sai," played by Sarah Farooqui. Her love interest, Royce (Chris Ivan Cevic) is a dud throughout the movie. Although the script doesn't give much to work with, Cevic delivers a performance as stirring as week old oatmeal. Eric (Alex Petrovitch), the trashy womanizing flatmate is a much more interesting character and thus is given much less screentime.

There's also a second woman Kara, who unfortunately suffers from a common affliction for female characters in horror films; she is compelled to act completely irrational and be a major fuckwit.

The film starts with Sai being introduced to a "creepy" German traveler (Jonathan Oldham) who loves "the darkness and lust" of her art. Its hard not to laugh at Oldham's performance, in which he is obviously attempting to match the accent and inflection of Hannibal Lector. It doesn't help that he delivers the lamest and most purplish lines I think I've witnessed from a villain in quite some time. This is pretty sad, actually, because Oldham shows glimpses of impressive acting, and his performance improves later in the film. It seems likely that his actual talent is blunted by the piss-poor directing and writing.

Anyway, he buys some of her art, and gives her some tree bark that he says will trip her out hardcore (or "deliver her to a land of dark mystery" or whatever) and make her an even better artist. To use it, one is supposed to heat up the bark's sap in a spoon like its fucking smack or something and then freebase it. What mystique!

Unfortunately, the stuff, "Stregohe," is not only addictive but it slowly turns Sai into a morbid lust vampire. Then some more stuff that doesn't make much sense and is never explained happens, and we learn that Renfield, the Hannibal impersonator, is actually some kind of vampire who needs to get people drugged up in order to call forth a demon, I guess. It really doesn't make much sense and the end, accordingly, doesn't tie anything up.

This is one of the least scary movies I've seen that purports to be a thriller or a horror film or whatever its supposed to be. Instead of building suspense, it builds boredom and confusion. The demon (which makes its first appearance two minutes into the film) is laughably hokey -- they could have stood to put more money into make-up effects than on fancy camera filters. At least then they would have had something in the movie that was genuinely scary.

If you have a big crush on Sarah Farooqui you might have a reason to watch this, otherwise I recommend avoiding it like you would bark-acid given to you by a lame ass dude trying way too hard to sound creepy. Just say no!